Wednesday, October 15, 2008
In Memory of Colonel
In Memory of Colonel
October 13, 2008
5:15pm
I lost a part of me on Monday. My puppy Colonel was almost 15 years old and he was starting to suffer. He was beginning to have a hard time getting up. He was losing muscle tone and getting even skinner. He was eating and drinking all of the time. Last week he started to have a problem with his ears. He would jump off the couch and start to shake his head. Then he would stand there staggering, looking at me like "Please do something." The look reached inside of me and twisted my insides. Scott took him to Peotone Animal Hospital on Saturday and they couldn't find anything wrong with his ears but gave Scott some antibiotic drops anyway. The drops didn't appear to help. He would run from spot to spot trying to get it to quit itching. We tried to scratch his ears for him which gave him a little comfort for a short period of time. At this point, I had noticed that he wasn't hearing anything either. He had gone completely deaf.
We took our kayaks down the Kankakee River on Saturday and spent a lot of the trip talking about it. We both felt like it was time but didn't want to say it out loud. We both wanted it to be done on the farm - the place he loved the most and finally agreed that when Dr. Fitzpatrick came out to give the horses their shots we would take him then. We knew we only had a short time left w/ Colonel but never expected the call from my mom Sunday night. Around 8pm she called me to tell me that the vet would be out between 4:30-5:00 the next night. I could hardly say good-bye to her b/c my throat stopped working.
As I sat in my chair and bawled, Scott asked me what was wrong. Not a great way to present the fact that his "son" would be gone forever in less than 24 hours. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but it didn't seem to make it any easier. Standing in the hallway, I asked Scott if he was sure, then we both looked at Colonel at the same time and watched him lose his balance and stagger toward the back door. We both knew that was God's way of answering the question.
It was rough night. I could hardly look at Colonel without bursting into tears. I layed in bed and prayed. I asked God to change our mind or overrule our decision if it wasn't His will. I tried to remember the verse about nothing happening to two sparrows without God's knowledge. I asked Scott what the verse was and he said something about two dollars and a sparrow in a cage. I think he must have been half asleep. Any way I had the idea of the verse, ( Matthew 10:29, "Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father?") if God takes care of even the sparrow, He will take care of Colonel. As I finally nodded off to sleep, I prayed that God would go before Colonel and I on our last day. I asked that in the morning, he might jump in bed and snuggle with me one more time (he hasn't done that in a while b/c it's too high of a jump).
Just as God provided Colonel to us in grace, he provided for us in his death. God doesn't make mistakes. It was not a mistake that this was happening at this time. God did not give us a week to suffer the anticipation but he gave me a day - an entire day off to spend with him. I don't think I've ever cried so much in a 24 hour period! It started in the morning when Scott was up getting ready and I was trying to fall back asleep around 5:30am. When he let Colonel back in the house, he came straight into the bedroom and jumped up next to me. We stayed there together until it was time for Scott to leave for work. After we said good-bye to Scott we got up and did our Bible study. (Colonel always stays in the room and listens, too!) After that I figured I had to have something for breakfast or I would be a mess all day. My stomach was in knots and nothing sounded good so I had some soup. Of course, I shared some of it with Colonel. I pulled out pieces of meat and put it in his bowl. He was very happy but didn't think that I gave him quite enough!
We lounged around together until about 2pm and then packed up and headed for the farm. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He knew something was up and didn't even want to get in the car which is unheard of. I think he thought I was taking him back to Peotone. He soon forgot his worries as I pulled into the Wendy's drive in. His nose led him to the cracked window as the smell of beef sifted through the air. We both had a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger - ok he had a whole one plus part of mine. I guess I don't eat fast enough! I threw out the tomato and lettuce for his last meal knowing full well he does not appreciate his veggies.
As we went down the road I tried not to let the tears fall but couldn't help remembering the daily rides out to the farm when he was a puppy. He was so small he would sit on my lap while I would drive my mustang. I would drop him off every morning on my way to school and Scott would pick him up. He would spend all day playing with his "aunt" Frisbee and "cousin" Ralph. As a matter of fact, after the second day at the farm, we never had to potty train him. He quit going to the bathroom on the basement floor and would ask to go outside. I always attributed that to Frisbee, she was such a good mom to the new dogs.
Mom met me outside at the farm and we took him for a walk at some of his favorite spots. We stopped here and there to take some pictures but mostly let him enjoy the beautiful, unseasonably warm fall day. We went to the barn, passed the field, around the pond and back to his favorite wading (frog hunting) spot, along the creek and back to the house. He was so happy to see the other dogs and enjoyed following them taking turns marking the same spots over and over. We took out some chairs and sat outside for a while waiting for Scott to arrive. It was a beautiful day but the mosquitoes were biting and the tears were falling. It was hard to just sit there and wait. We would jump up every once in a while and take another short walk. Even though he enjoyed it, he wasn't quite the same. You could tell that he as just tired.
When Scott's truck turned the corner of the lane, Colonel saw it immediately. He was interested that someone was here but didn't know who it was. When Scott got out of the car and walked toward us, Colonel began to wag his tail and trotted to meet him. Scott and Mom went to look at the grave Mom had begun to dig. Scott had to finish it so Colonel and I went for another walk as not to have to watch. I don't know how Scott did what he did, I could do it if I had to but it would be tough so I really appreciate that he stepped up and took care of these issues - another example of God's grace.
The vet was late and Scott had to be in class by 6pm. He was sweaty and dirty and smelling pretty ripe. At 5:10, the vet's truck appeared in the lane. I threw my arms around Colonel, took one last kiss from him and said good-bye. I then went to the horse barn to get the horses ready for their shots - actually to hide b/c I wanted my last memory of him to be alive. I stood in the barn and pulled cockaburs from the horses forelocks and cried. Then I prayed. I prayed that it would go smoothly, that the vet would be gentle, that it wouldn't happen if it wasn't God's timing, that Scott would have courage and be strong... It seemed like an eternity but finally the barn door started to open. I pulled myself together and started to bring Magic out of the stall. The vet was very kind and very helpful. We gave all three horses their shots and put them back out in the pasture.
When he left, I leaned against the stall and cried. Scott came back from burying Colonel and held me in his arms. I cried harder. At this point, I was just so sad. I couldn't breathe from all the crying - there was just a hole inside of me that wouldn't go away. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I went back to the chair to sit but the memories of him being there were just too fresh. I picked some mums and headed for the grave. I put them on his grave and said good-bye but couldn't hold still. I headed for the back pond when Mom showed up to be with me. Another grace provision. She had given up her entire afternoon just to be there for me. We sat on the hay rack for awhile but the mosquitoes were horrendous (even though she had brought a can of spray with her). I was dreading going home but knew I had to get it over with. Unfortunately, I'm the type that wants to face things head on and get it over with.
Scott was at class so I had to walk into the empty house alone. I asked God for strength as I entered through the sliding door. Scott had made an attempt to move some of the memories but there were just too many. His bowls sat in the kitchen - so I couldn't even bring myself in there. I took a shower thinking the bathroom was safe since he really didn't like to go in there. I remembered when he would come in the bathroom after I had gotten out of the shower and lick my wet legs a couple of times and then turn around and walk out. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried. I waited to hear his toenails on the wood floor as he would come in and stick his head under my hand to see if I was alright. He didn't come. I sat in my chair and looked at his empty chair and his empty couch. I finally turned the TV on for a distraction but the pain just wouldn't go away.
At 7:30pm, Scott called. He had gotten out of class early - yet another grace provision. I was so relieved to have someone else in the house with me. Going to bed was another whole story. I would get ready to put the garbage up and let Colonel out but I didn't have to do either one. I crawled into bed next to Scott and waited to hear Colonel make his "rounds". I listened for the click on the floor and the sound of him settling into his chair in the bedroom next to my bed, it never came. It was so sad! I couldn't stay in there, besides I was keeping Scott awake. I went out to the other room for awhile but it was just as sad. I asked God to help me and I took a deep breath and went back to bed. I basically cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and was sure I could hold it together, after all I had to go to work and my eyes were already way too puffy. I didn't want anyone to know because it was too painful to talk about. I somehow managed to get ready through the tears. As we headed to work Scott prayed and I pulled myself together. Through God's grace (and I know my Mom's prayers) I was able to hold it together all day. As soon as I walked through the doors at home it was like something was wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I couldn't hold it in any more. When will the tears dry up? I have a constant headache and my eyes go from aching to stinging to being itchy and dry.
I actually held myself together during church. After church my dad came up and told me how sorry he was and that he knew it was the right thing to do. My mom talked to Scott about when it happened. Evidently, Dr. Fitzpatrick had said that he was an old dog. Scott told me that he had been so gentle and kind to Colonel and that it went smoothly. He was happy up to the last minute.
Hannah came up to me and sat next to me and snuggled. She then told me she had visited his grave and of course had an adventure story to go along with it. She visited the wrong place first and found a big piece of glass and then Nana had to show her where the grave really was. She said that the mums were still there. I asked her if she would put flowers on it once in a while for me and she said she would if she could find some.
The second night wasn't any easier. I thought it would ease up. Scott was struggling, also. We stayed up way passed the time we should have gone to bed and when we did go to bed, we talked about him, our decision and our memories. We both finally fell asleep at some point but I'm not sure when.
Colonel was my grace provision for almost 15 years. He was my constant companion. He was God's way of helping me survive Scott's cop years. He was my alarm system at night, he was a comfort to me when I was sad. I couldn't go to sleep at night until he was settled in bed next to me. I was his back scratcher, his bell boy, his concierge, his cook. I couldn't have ever had a better grace gift. I am so thankful to God for putting him in my life and letting us enjoy each other for so long. Thanks to Hannah for taking this video in August of 2006 when we were out playing at the pond.
October 13, 2008
5:15pm
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| From HargravesFall2008 |
I lost a part of me on Monday. My puppy Colonel was almost 15 years old and he was starting to suffer. He was beginning to have a hard time getting up. He was losing muscle tone and getting even skinner. He was eating and drinking all of the time. Last week he started to have a problem with his ears. He would jump off the couch and start to shake his head. Then he would stand there staggering, looking at me like "Please do something." The look reached inside of me and twisted my insides. Scott took him to Peotone Animal Hospital on Saturday and they couldn't find anything wrong with his ears but gave Scott some antibiotic drops anyway. The drops didn't appear to help. He would run from spot to spot trying to get it to quit itching. We tried to scratch his ears for him which gave him a little comfort for a short period of time. At this point, I had noticed that he wasn't hearing anything either. He had gone completely deaf.
We took our kayaks down the Kankakee River on Saturday and spent a lot of the trip talking about it. We both felt like it was time but didn't want to say it out loud. We both wanted it to be done on the farm - the place he loved the most and finally agreed that when Dr. Fitzpatrick came out to give the horses their shots we would take him then. We knew we only had a short time left w/ Colonel but never expected the call from my mom Sunday night. Around 8pm she called me to tell me that the vet would be out between 4:30-5:00 the next night. I could hardly say good-bye to her b/c my throat stopped working.
As I sat in my chair and bawled, Scott asked me what was wrong. Not a great way to present the fact that his "son" would be gone forever in less than 24 hours. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but it didn't seem to make it any easier. Standing in the hallway, I asked Scott if he was sure, then we both looked at Colonel at the same time and watched him lose his balance and stagger toward the back door. We both knew that was God's way of answering the question.
It was rough night. I could hardly look at Colonel without bursting into tears. I layed in bed and prayed. I asked God to change our mind or overrule our decision if it wasn't His will. I tried to remember the verse about nothing happening to two sparrows without God's knowledge. I asked Scott what the verse was and he said something about two dollars and a sparrow in a cage. I think he must have been half asleep. Any way I had the idea of the verse, ( Matthew 10:29, "Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father?") if God takes care of even the sparrow, He will take care of Colonel. As I finally nodded off to sleep, I prayed that God would go before Colonel and I on our last day. I asked that in the morning, he might jump in bed and snuggle with me one more time (he hasn't done that in a while b/c it's too high of a jump).
Just as God provided Colonel to us in grace, he provided for us in his death. God doesn't make mistakes. It was not a mistake that this was happening at this time. God did not give us a week to suffer the anticipation but he gave me a day - an entire day off to spend with him. I don't think I've ever cried so much in a 24 hour period! It started in the morning when Scott was up getting ready and I was trying to fall back asleep around 5:30am. When he let Colonel back in the house, he came straight into the bedroom and jumped up next to me. We stayed there together until it was time for Scott to leave for work. After we said good-bye to Scott we got up and did our Bible study. (Colonel always stays in the room and listens, too!) After that I figured I had to have something for breakfast or I would be a mess all day. My stomach was in knots and nothing sounded good so I had some soup. Of course, I shared some of it with Colonel. I pulled out pieces of meat and put it in his bowl. He was very happy but didn't think that I gave him quite enough!
We lounged around together until about 2pm and then packed up and headed for the farm. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He knew something was up and didn't even want to get in the car which is unheard of. I think he thought I was taking him back to Peotone. He soon forgot his worries as I pulled into the Wendy's drive in. His nose led him to the cracked window as the smell of beef sifted through the air. We both had a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger - ok he had a whole one plus part of mine. I guess I don't eat fast enough! I threw out the tomato and lettuce for his last meal knowing full well he does not appreciate his veggies.
As we went down the road I tried not to let the tears fall but couldn't help remembering the daily rides out to the farm when he was a puppy. He was so small he would sit on my lap while I would drive my mustang. I would drop him off every morning on my way to school and Scott would pick him up. He would spend all day playing with his "aunt" Frisbee and "cousin" Ralph. As a matter of fact, after the second day at the farm, we never had to potty train him. He quit going to the bathroom on the basement floor and would ask to go outside. I always attributed that to Frisbee, she was such a good mom to the new dogs.
Mom met me outside at the farm and we took him for a walk at some of his favorite spots. We stopped here and there to take some pictures but mostly let him enjoy the beautiful, unseasonably warm fall day. We went to the barn, passed the field, around the pond and back to his favorite wading (frog hunting) spot, along the creek and back to the house. He was so happy to see the other dogs and enjoyed following them taking turns marking the same spots over and over. We took out some chairs and sat outside for a while waiting for Scott to arrive. It was a beautiful day but the mosquitoes were biting and the tears were falling. It was hard to just sit there and wait. We would jump up every once in a while and take another short walk. Even though he enjoyed it, he wasn't quite the same. You could tell that he as just tired.
When Scott's truck turned the corner of the lane, Colonel saw it immediately. He was interested that someone was here but didn't know who it was. When Scott got out of the car and walked toward us, Colonel began to wag his tail and trotted to meet him. Scott and Mom went to look at the grave Mom had begun to dig. Scott had to finish it so Colonel and I went for another walk as not to have to watch. I don't know how Scott did what he did, I could do it if I had to but it would be tough so I really appreciate that he stepped up and took care of these issues - another example of God's grace.
The vet was late and Scott had to be in class by 6pm. He was sweaty and dirty and smelling pretty ripe. At 5:10, the vet's truck appeared in the lane. I threw my arms around Colonel, took one last kiss from him and said good-bye. I then went to the horse barn to get the horses ready for their shots - actually to hide b/c I wanted my last memory of him to be alive. I stood in the barn and pulled cockaburs from the horses forelocks and cried. Then I prayed. I prayed that it would go smoothly, that the vet would be gentle, that it wouldn't happen if it wasn't God's timing, that Scott would have courage and be strong... It seemed like an eternity but finally the barn door started to open. I pulled myself together and started to bring Magic out of the stall. The vet was very kind and very helpful. We gave all three horses their shots and put them back out in the pasture.
When he left, I leaned against the stall and cried. Scott came back from burying Colonel and held me in his arms. I cried harder. At this point, I was just so sad. I couldn't breathe from all the crying - there was just a hole inside of me that wouldn't go away. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I went back to the chair to sit but the memories of him being there were just too fresh. I picked some mums and headed for the grave. I put them on his grave and said good-bye but couldn't hold still. I headed for the back pond when Mom showed up to be with me. Another grace provision. She had given up her entire afternoon just to be there for me. We sat on the hay rack for awhile but the mosquitoes were horrendous (even though she had brought a can of spray with her). I was dreading going home but knew I had to get it over with. Unfortunately, I'm the type that wants to face things head on and get it over with.
Scott was at class so I had to walk into the empty house alone. I asked God for strength as I entered through the sliding door. Scott had made an attempt to move some of the memories but there were just too many. His bowls sat in the kitchen - so I couldn't even bring myself in there. I took a shower thinking the bathroom was safe since he really didn't like to go in there. I remembered when he would come in the bathroom after I had gotten out of the shower and lick my wet legs a couple of times and then turn around and walk out. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried. I waited to hear his toenails on the wood floor as he would come in and stick his head under my hand to see if I was alright. He didn't come. I sat in my chair and looked at his empty chair and his empty couch. I finally turned the TV on for a distraction but the pain just wouldn't go away.
At 7:30pm, Scott called. He had gotten out of class early - yet another grace provision. I was so relieved to have someone else in the house with me. Going to bed was another whole story. I would get ready to put the garbage up and let Colonel out but I didn't have to do either one. I crawled into bed next to Scott and waited to hear Colonel make his "rounds". I listened for the click on the floor and the sound of him settling into his chair in the bedroom next to my bed, it never came. It was so sad! I couldn't stay in there, besides I was keeping Scott awake. I went out to the other room for awhile but it was just as sad. I asked God to help me and I took a deep breath and went back to bed. I basically cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and was sure I could hold it together, after all I had to go to work and my eyes were already way too puffy. I didn't want anyone to know because it was too painful to talk about. I somehow managed to get ready through the tears. As we headed to work Scott prayed and I pulled myself together. Through God's grace (and I know my Mom's prayers) I was able to hold it together all day. As soon as I walked through the doors at home it was like something was wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I couldn't hold it in any more. When will the tears dry up? I have a constant headache and my eyes go from aching to stinging to being itchy and dry.
I actually held myself together during church. After church my dad came up and told me how sorry he was and that he knew it was the right thing to do. My mom talked to Scott about when it happened. Evidently, Dr. Fitzpatrick had said that he was an old dog. Scott told me that he had been so gentle and kind to Colonel and that it went smoothly. He was happy up to the last minute.
Hannah came up to me and sat next to me and snuggled. She then told me she had visited his grave and of course had an adventure story to go along with it. She visited the wrong place first and found a big piece of glass and then Nana had to show her where the grave really was. She said that the mums were still there. I asked her if she would put flowers on it once in a while for me and she said she would if she could find some.
The second night wasn't any easier. I thought it would ease up. Scott was struggling, also. We stayed up way passed the time we should have gone to bed and when we did go to bed, we talked about him, our decision and our memories. We both finally fell asleep at some point but I'm not sure when.
Colonel was my grace provision for almost 15 years. He was my constant companion. He was God's way of helping me survive Scott's cop years. He was my alarm system at night, he was a comfort to me when I was sad. I couldn't go to sleep at night until he was settled in bed next to me. I was his back scratcher, his bell boy, his concierge, his cook. I couldn't have ever had a better grace gift. I am so thankful to God for putting him in my life and letting us enjoy each other for so long. Thanks to Hannah for taking this video in August of 2006 when we were out playing at the pond.
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